Issue Two
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
May 2016
 

>Take One<

Richard Burton in Jeff Wayne’s 1978 album adapted from War of the Worlds by H. G. Welles.

“No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes. And slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us.”

(Predictably, heat ray malfunctions closed the Broadway production on opening night.)

>Take Two<

The Devil confronts the lawyer.

The Devil says, “I will give you countless riches in exchange for your eternal soul and the souls of your family.”

The lawyer thinks for a moment and replies, “So, what’s the catch?”

>Take Three<

The frustrated poet frets:

“Why does FREAK not rhyme with BREAK? And FEW not rhyme with SEW?

“Nor HORSE with WORSE. Nor BEARD with HEARD.

“Never COMB and TOMB. Never HOME and SOME.

“And there’s nary a rhyme twixt DONE, GONE, and LONE.”

>Take Four<

The befuddled linguist bemoans:

“The farm was used to PRODUCE PRODUCE.

“The dump had to REFUSE more REFUSE.

“I did not OBJECT to the OBJECT.

“The soldier chose to DESERT in the DESERT.

“This was a good time to PRESENT the PRESENT.

“The white DOVE DOVE into the bushes.

“I had to SUBJECT the SUBJECT to a series of tests.

“After a NUMBER of injections, my jaw got NUMBER.

“And upon seeing the TEAR in my clothes I shed a TEAR.”

>Take Five<

The diminutive fortune-teller escaped from prison.

The news media reported, “Small Medium at Large.”

>Take Six<

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

>Take Seven<

And Monty Python sums up The Meaning of Life.

“Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try to live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.”

>Cut<

>Print<

Her Coming was Foretold.


Avian Intolerance.


Nope. His bite is worse than his bark.


Considering a vacation to Australia? I’ll be waiting.


I can do this all day. Can you?


Baboon production of MacBeth.


The racoon regrets not paying
the extra bucks for a front row seat.


Easter Cookies. Wait for it.


“Satan? Yeah, yeah, I’m coming.”

Ben Hur wasn’t quite the epic I remembered.


The T-101 meets the T-2016.


City Planners didn’t.


Satan’s Laundromat.


Hello, Mr. Ranger, Sir.


Oh those kids today.


Science Unfair.


Taxi, buddy?


My Fear of Deep Water Returns.

Wave of Cadets.

Dance Fever.

Optometrist Visit.

Go for it.

Mixed Reactions.

Hosed.

One-Trick Pony.

Llama Huff.

Rush Hour.

“You Might Think” by The Cars.
The Dog is playing. The Emu is not.
“One More Minute” by Weird Al Yankovic.

With The Fool and his Money at an end, I’m penning my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

“So let it be written, so let it be done,” bids Yul Brenner in The Ten Commandments.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance,” muses Oscar Wilde.

Steven Wright Quotes:

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“All the plants in my house are dead — I shot them last night.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”

“There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.”

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