Issue Three
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
June 2016
 

>Take One<

Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.

>Take Two<

Math Question: What’s the difference between one yard and two yards?

Student Answer: A fence.

>Take Three<

Defined:

A myth is a female moth.

Two physicians is a paradox.

Love means nothing to tennis players.

An exhausted kangaroo is out of bounds.

>Take Four<

Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar and remark:

"Been here."

"Am here."

"Will be here."

>Take Five<

Headlines:

Farmer Bill Dies in House.

Lack of Brains Hinders Research.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Cartoonist found Dead in Home. Details are sketchy.

>Take Six<

Purple Prose:

Jane was toast, and not the light buttery kind, nay, she was the kind that’s been charred and blackened in the bottom of the toaster and has to be thrown a away because no matter how much of the burnt part you scrape off with a knife, there’s always more blackened toast beneath, the kind that not even starving birds in winter will eat, that kind of toast.

>Take Seven<

666 is the Sign of the Beast.

0.666 is the MilliBeast.

DCLXVI is the Ancient Roman Beast.

1010011010 is the Binary Beast.

(666) is the Beast’s Area Code.

666 ˚F is the proper oven temperature for Roast Beast.

Route 666 is the Beast’s Highway.

666 mg is the minimum daily requirement of the Beast.

$665.95 is the Retail Price of the Beast.

>Cut<

>Print<

Geometry Burn.


The photo editor at Farmer’s Almanac was fired that August.


How 1% of the 1% spend their cash.


“Home, home on the range...”


Your move, tiger.


“Hey, you up there. Where’s the front door?”


The Heartbreak of Math.


A brief reminder about sunroof safety in Africa.


The carnival barker’s dying request.

“Hey baby, you look good enough to eat.”


The Sands of Time.


Spider Igloo.


Manicurist’s Nightmare.


Camel and Camelette.


“Dinner,” thought the fisherman. “Lunch,” thought the bear.


“It only hurts when I laugh,” she said as her ribs cracked.


At long last, he had found his soul mate.


The sudden silence was deafening.

His wedding gift was a giant scallop packed with fresh krill.

Gull Greetings.

Flubber Lips.

Roo’s Revel.

Feet, do your duty.

Wave Goodbye.

The Two-Man Hop.

Sweet Sixteen.

“I meant to do that.”

“I’ll do it my way.”

Chimp Chagrin.

“Weapon of Choice” featuring Christopher Walken’s dance moves.
Gun Control.
“I Got It from Agnes” by Tom Lehrer.

With The Fool and his Money finished, I’m typing my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

“It’s not just a matter of choosing the right words, it’s getting them in the right order that counts.”

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Bumper Stickers:

Keep honking while I reload.

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I’m an English major. You do the math.

Imagine a world where the hokey pokey is what it’s all about.

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