Issue Five
Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb
August 2016
 

>Take One<

Heck is where you go when you don’t believe in Gosh.

>Take Two<

Which one is not a Lily Tomlin quote?

“Remember, we’re all in this alone.”

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“The problem with winning the rat race is that you’re still a rat.”

“Horse sense is the thing that a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.”

“There’s so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.”

“Why is it that when we talk to God, we’re said to be praying; but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?”

>Take Three<

A guy broke into my home last week. He didn’t steal the TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick bastard.

>Take Four<

Pun for your Life:

A backward poet writes inverse.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

A spouse needs a lover to break the monogamy.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

>Take Five<

My house runs on static electricity.

If I want to make toast, I have to rub balloons on my head.

If I want to run the blender, I have to pull off my sweater real quick.

>Take Six<

Words to Live By:

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, then destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you’ll get. Or how long it is going to last.

>Take Seven<

One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well, and I replied, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

>Cut<

>Print<

The Afterglow of Online Banking.


Release the Quackin.


One theory of the Mayan demise was lack of handrails.


A Whale of a Photo Bomb.


Unrequited Love.


Bank Robbery Averted.


Feeding Time at the Aquarium.


Word spread quickly throughout the herd.


Oh, Quebec...

Where’s Waldo?

Grandpa?


Hover Craft.


Now That’s Service.


Obligatory Cat Photo.


Higher Education.


Indeed.


Consumer Reports flunked this product.


Where the Burger King Home Office is located.


In Honor of Crushing the Baby Rebellion.

A Helping Hand.

Spoon Typhoon.

Yummy Cracker.

Ambush.

Child Prodigy.

The Seven-Second Itch.

Run, Forrest. Run.

Just Strolling Along.

More Sweet Revenge.

Making a Splash.

“Can’t Buy Me Love” by The Beatles.
A Fine Kettle of Fish.
“Twin Bed” from Saturday Night Live.

With The Fool and his Money concluded, I’m drafting my once and future novel CRAFTPUPPET.

“Horse sense is...” is a W. C. Fields quote.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want people to think you are wise, agree with them.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

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