I don’t trust the sun. Why can’t we look directly at it? What is it hiding?
Read more takeout menus.
See the world through the eyes of the Internet.
Take every disappointment as a reason to give up.
Go for a walk every day, or at least consider it briefly.
Forget past mistakes and press on to greater mistakes.
Every day, the older boys tease Little Johnny by offering him the choice between a nickel and a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel.
A friend takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”
Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made over $10.”
Which one is not a Phyllis Diller quote?
“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”
“I bury a lot of my ironing in the backyard.”
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle — keep away from children.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched their tent and went to sleep inside.
In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson and declared, “Look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars,” Watson said.
“And what do you deduce from that?” Holmes inquired.
“Well, if there are millions of stars, then there must be other planets,” Watson replied. “And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
“No, no, my dear Watson,” Holmes exclaimed. “Somebody has stolen our tent.”
I’m on my way.
I won’t laugh, I promise.
Okay, just one more episode.
Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.
Every time you get dressed, just remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.