Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

“Who dumped a whole truck-load of fizzies into the swim-meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.”

Dean Vernon Wormer (John Vernon) from National Lampoon's Animal House.

>Take Two<

David Letterman relates, “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat.”

>Take Three<

At the supermarket, a lady searched for a turkey, but couldn’t find one big enough to feed all her guests.

She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No Ma’am. They’re dead.”

>Take Four<

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?


Why did the Pilgrim’s pants always fall down?

Because he wore his belt buckle on his hat.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock.

How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?

Only one, but you really have to push to get him inside.

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

What do you call a haunted turkey?

A poultrygeist.

>Take Five<

Vegetables are a must for a balanced diet. I recommend carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

>Take Six<

Young Michael was sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

“What are you doing?” Michael asked.

“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replied.

“Wow, that’s cool,” Michael remarked. “Are you going to hang it next to the moose head?”

>Take Seven<

To all young children: be sure to give the turkey a cute name and make everyone uncomfortable.