There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board.
Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter.
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Man consults veterinarian:
“Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner,” he tells her.
“That’s OK,” she replies. “He’s a boxer.”
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, then we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it into a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify... ” I always answer “a doctor.”
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
To be certain of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit “the target.”
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
The interviewer asks the college graduate, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The graduate says, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer replies, “Well, what would you say to a package of 6 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a red Corvette?”
The graduate sits up straight and exclaims, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yes, but you started it.”
Will Rogers once said, “There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”