Cliff Johnson’s Treasures from the InterWeb  

>Take One<

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the exact moment the cat wants to do it.

>Take Two<

Valentine Quotes:

Paul Valery insists, “Love is being stupid together.”

Bob Hope chortles, “People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.”

Zsa Zsa Gabor trills, “A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.”

Jules Renard opines, “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.”

Tim Allen maintains, “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”

George Burns puffs, “Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”

Joan Crawford dishes, “Love is a fire. Whether it’s going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

>Take Three<

You only need two tools in life.

If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40.

If it moves and it shouldn’t, use duct tape.

>Take Four<

Résumé Gaffes:

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“Please don’t misconstrue my last 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.”

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm. So please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

>Take Five<

“I heard your sister had twins, a girl and a boy. What are their names?”

“Denise and Denephew.”

>Take Six<

Burning Questions:

Why isn’t phonics spelled like it sounds?

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is there a D in fridge and not in refrigerator?

Why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same?

Why do you drive on the parkway and park on a driveway?

Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

>Take Seven<

What’s the difference between a $25 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th.