Stantz: At o:40 p.m., at the main branch of the New York public library on 5th avenue, ten people witnessed a free-floating, full-torso, vaporous apparition! It blew books off shelves from twenty feet away and scared the socks off of some poor librarian!

Venkman: Egon, this reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole through your head. Remember that?
Spengler: That would have worked if you hadn’t stopped me.

Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you’ve finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin’ and greetin’ every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?
Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea, unexplained mass sponge migration.
Venkman: Uhh, Ray, the sponges migrated about a foot-and-a-half.

Venkman: Alice, I’m going to ask you a couple of standard questions, okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetent?
Librarian: My uncle thought he was Saint Jerome.
Venkman: I’d call that a big yes. Uh, are you habitually using drugs? Stimulants? Alcohol?
Librarian: No.
Venkman: No, no. Just asking. Are you, Alice, menstruating right now?
Administrator: What’s has that got to do with it?
Venkman: Back off, man. I’m a scientist.

Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Venkman: You’re right, no human being would stack books like this.

Venkman: Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk!
Stantz: You know how much a patent clerk earns? Personally, I liked the University; they gave us money and facilities, we didn’t have to produce anything. You’ve never been out of college. You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector — they expect results.

Stantz: If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we could really bust some heads... in a spiritual sense, of course.

Venkman: What do you think, Egon?
Spengler: I think this building should be condemned. There’s serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it’s completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.
Stantz: Hey. Does this fire pole still work? Wow. This place is great. When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I’m gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.
Venkman: I think we’ll take it.

Stantz: Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night?
Spengler: Do you experience feelings of dread in your basement or attic?
Venkman: Have you or your family ever seen a spook, specter or ghost?
Stantz: If the answer is “yes,” then don’t wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals...
ALL: Ghostbusters.
Stantz: Our courteous and efficient staff is on call 24 hours a day to serve all your supernatural elimination needs.
ALL: We’re ready to believe you.

Melnitz: Hello, Ghostbusters... Yes, of course they’re serious... You do?... You have?... No kidding. Just gimme the address... Oh sure, they will be totally discreet. Thank you — WE GOT ONE.

Man at Elevator: What are you guys, cosmonauts?
Venkman: Exterminators. Someone’s seen a cockroach up on twelve.
Man at Elevator: Must be some cockroach.
Venkman: Bite your head off, man.

Stantz: You know, it’s just occurred to me. We really haven’t had a completely successful test of this equipment.
Spengler: I blame myself.
Venkman: So do I.
Stantz: No sense in worrying about it now.
Venkman: Why worry? Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.

Spengler: There’s something very important I forgot to tell you.
Venkman: What?
Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Venkman: Why?
Spengler: It would be bad.
Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean “bad”?
Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Stantz: Total protonic reversal!
Venkman: Right, that’s bad. Okay, alright, important safety tip, thanks Egon.

Stantz: I think we better split up.
Spengler: Good idea.
Venkman: Yeah, we can do more damage that way.

Venkman: Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week! No job is too big, no fee is too big!

Venkman: Generally you don’t see that kind of behavior in a major appliance.

Barrett: That’s the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there.
Venkman: What a crime.

Venkman: Oh my God. Look at all the junk food.
Barrett: No. No, Dammit. Look this wasn’t here...
Venkman: You actually eat this?
Barrett: No, this wasn’t here. There was nothing here. There was this... space, with a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around it, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say “Zuul” I mean it was right here.
Venkman: Well I’m sorry, I’m just not getting any reading.
Barrett: Well are you sure you’re using that thing correctly?
Venkman: Yeah, Its not... I mean I think so, but I’m sure there are no animals in there.
Barrett: This is great. Either I have a monster in my kitchen or I’m completely crazy.
Venkman: I don’t think you’re crazy.
Barrett: Oh good, that makes me feel so much better.

Barrett: You know, you don’t act like a scientist.
Venkman: They’re usually pretty stiff.
Barrett: You’re more like a game show host.

Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster, and the theory of Atlantis?
Zeddemore: If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.

Melnitz: You’re very handy, I can tell. I bet you like to read a lot, too.
Spengler: Print is dead.
Melnitz: Oh, that’s very fascinating to me. I read a lot myself. Some people think I’m too intellectual but I think it’s a fabulous way to spend your spare time. I also play racquetball. Do you have any hobbies?
Spengler: I collect spores, molds, and fungus.

Spengler: Let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. According to this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.

Barrett: Do you want this body?
Venkman: Is this a trick question? I guess the roses worked, huh.
Barrett: Take me now, subcreature.
Venkman: We never talk any more. I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people. Actually, it’s more of a guideline than a rule.
Barrett: I want you inside me.
Venkman: Go ahead! No, I can’t, sounds like you’ve already got at least two people in there already. Might a little crowded. Now, why don’t you quit trying to upset and disturb Dr. Venkman and just relax.

Venkman: Ray, pretend for a moment that I don’t know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on.
Stantz: You never studied.

Venkman: This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions!
Mayor: What do you mean “biblical”?
Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. Real wrath of God type stuff! Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Spengler: Forty years of darkness, earthquakes, and volcanoes!
Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Venkman: Human sacrifices, dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!

Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Venkman: Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.
Peck: Jeez!
Mayor: Break it up! Hey, break this up! Break it up!
Peck: Alright, alright, alright!
Venkman: Well that’s what I heard!

Venkman: So, she’s a dog.

Stantz: Good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County, and State of New York, I order you to cease any, and all, supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Venkman: That ought to do it. Thanks very much, Ray.

Gozer: Are you a god?
Stantz: No?
Gozer: Then . . . die!

Zeddemore: Ray, when someone asks you “if you’re a god?” you say, “Yes!”

Venkman: Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!

Stantz: It can’t be!
Venkman: What is it?!
Stantz: It can’t be!
Venkman: What did you do, Ray?!
Zeddemore: Oh, shit!
Stantz: It’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Venkman: We’ve been going about this all wrong. This Mr. Stay-Puft is okay. He’s a sailor, he’s in New York. We get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble.

Venkman: Ray has gone bye-bye, Egon... what’ve you got left?
Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

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